Not Everyone Thinks You're Wonderful Because You Homeschool
"You're going to ruin those kids."
The dire prediction came from a well-intentioned relative after my husband and I announced our intention to homeschool. The words pierced my heart and touched a deep-seated insecurity.
I did not approach motherhood with confidence. My own mother suffered from chronic depression, and my father was a weekend alcoholic, so I didn't have much in the way of role models. When I contemplated raising children, my greatest fear was that I would "mess them up" because my own childhood had been so messed up. The warning words of that relative haunted me.
When my husband and I first started raising our children, we just wanted "normal kids." As we progressed in our parenting and continued to seek God's wisdom, however, we found we had a hard time deciding what a normal kid was. As we looked around us, we saw that a lot of so-called normal kids had no faith base, were highly disrespectful of their parents and of anyone else in authority, were marginal scholars, and possessed bad attitudes. If this defined "normal," we decided we didn't want it after all. We wanted something different.
Yet, disapproval can shake you. The first thing we need to do is to remind ourselves that we are accountable to God for how we raise our kids--not to anyone else. God told us to homeschool. When He tells us not to, we'll change our ways.
Our second line of defense is to educate ourselves. Homeschooling WORKS, as demonstrated by study after study on its effectiveness.
My very best advice for homeschoolers who meet with disapproval for their choice to teach their children at home is to follow a principle I learned in law school: "Let the thing speak for itself." In Latin, it's called res ipsa loquitur, and in legal terms it refers to circumstances in which the truth of the matter is so obvious there is no need for discussion of its merits.
There was a time when the question "Do your kids know they are different?" made me cringe. When I hear that question now, I check my defensiveness and reply with all the enthusiasm I can muster, "I hope so!" When I see examples of who they might be without my daily guidance and input to their lives, I am grateful that my kids are "different." I hope you feel the same way about yours.
Frustration and the Homeschool Schedule
By Sharon Hensley, MA, Almaden Valley Christian School
You have just done something that has the potential to lead to extreme stress and
frustration. You have just made a new schedule and started a new school year! Each year as we start with new goals and new books, it is a good idea to remind ourselves of the potential frustrations involved in our schedule so that we can head them off or adjust as needed.
The first thing we need to remember is that frustration usually occurs when we have
unrealistic expectations. This can occur very easily in scheduling because we often make schedules based on how we wish our life occurred rather than on the reality of our day-to-day demands. The two main unrealistic expectations in scheduling are either thinking we can do more than we can (the focus is too scattered) or thinking that each task must be done completely and perfectly (the focus is too narrow). Either of these unrealistic focuses can drive us to frustration.
Let's look at each of these pitfalls more closely and then look at how to have a realistic view of our schedules.
One of the most common scheduling problems is thinking we can do more than we
realistically can do. If you are constantly running from one activity to another and you feel like there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done--there probably aren't! Try this eye-opening exercise: Write down all the priority items for an average day and the time they take. This will help you see how much average time you have in a day for "extras." Make sure you include things that we tend to overlook--like sleep! If you plan to sleep eight hours a night, this leaves 16 hours in the day to do other things. Now I hear many of you out there saying that it is impossible for you to sleep eight whole hours, but I want to encourage you to consider sleep a priority. When we are well rested and healthy, we can meet the other demands of our days. If we are tired and cranky and dragging--well I don't think I have to paint a picture for you. As moms, we have ALL been at that point, and it is not pretty!
Now, out of our 16 hours of nonsleep time, we must remember that time will be taken up by a lot of "maintenance"--on ourselves, our kids, our house, etc. It is easy to forget to leave time in our schedules for things like showering (but please don't!). Just as an example, let me show you how I divide my time for a typical day. Yours will look different I'm sure, but this will give you an idea of what I mean.
• 1 hour--showering/ dressing, etc.
• 1 hour--Prayer/ Bible study
• 4 hours--school
• 4 hours--meal preparation, eating and clean up (3 meals)
• 4 hours--work
• Total--14 hours
As you can see, I don't do very fancy meals, and since I work, I pay for most of my
housecleaning or delegate some to the kids. And, obviously, most errands/shopping have to be done on the weekends or they take time away from something else.
With my time divided up this way, I have approximately two "free" hours per day, but I also need to keep part of that time guarded to spend with my husband and some of it for myself to just sit and regroup or read. (This is called mental health time, and it is just as important as getting enough sleep if we don't want to be cranky moms)!
I would encourage you to do this exercise with your own time priorities. When I first did it, it really opened my eyes to just how little time I have in the day for extras, and how much I really need to guard my "free time" to be sure I 'm talking to my husband, available to listen to my kids, etc. It really freed me up to say "No" to too much busyness.
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In order to avoid having our schedules too scattered and fragmented we must learn to focus on the priorities first and let go of trying to do too much. But just as frustrating as a schedule that is too packed is the tendency many of us have toward perfection. We can weed out being too busy, choose only priority tasks, focus on those, and still end up frustrated if we allow each task to take on more importance than it should.
It is very easy to get so caught up in racing through our schedule and checking each item off that we can become blind to the needs around us. If you tackle every task as if it must be done to perfection or the day will be lost, you can bet your focus is too narrow. It is very important to remember that schedules, checklists, and "to do" lists are just tools to help us spend our time. But we must not over-correct and become too narrow in our focus either.
In practical terms, the best way I have found to balance these two competing schedule problems is to limit what I do, and give each task an amount of time and stop working on that task when that time is over. It's hard to walk away from a kitchen that's not totally clean or a math page that's not completed, but it's important.
However, in actual practice, this still doesn't keep me from feeling frustrated. I can have the world's most perfect schedule, but unless my emotions and thinking are in line with God's truth, none of my scheduling will keep me from being frustrated. As I was going through and preparing my goals and schedule for this new school year, God impressed a verse on my mind every time I sat down to work on these things. It is Romans 8:6: "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." At first I wasn't sure how this pertained to my scheduling, but I looked up the word for "flesh" used here and it means "things pertaining to or essential to mankind, circumstances, the externals of life." In other words, when our minds are set on the externals (the things of man), this leads to death.
It is so easy to get caught up in looking good for the world. If we are honest with
ourselves, we have all at some time turned the fruit of the Spirit from love, joy, peace, and patience into cleanliness, perfection, organization, good behavior, etc. Not that there is anything wrong with any of these things, but our focus is not to be on them. Our focus is to be on the Spirit, the things of God. Allowing God to control our lives, thoughts, and schedules results in life and peace.
Either way, you will still have days when the schedule gets trashed. But if your mind is on the Spirit, on letting God be in control, you can respond with peace instead of frustration. And that makes a BIG difference in the atmosphere of your home and your homeschool!
Reprinted with permission from the newsletter "Turning Challenges into Opportunities." Almaden Valley Christian School is a home education service for families of children with learning differences, difficulties, and disabilities. We provide information, consulting, and resources to parents teaching their children at home.
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Lifeway Homeschool Message Board
 As many of you know, Lifeway is associated with Broadman & Holman, publisher for Homeschool Methods by Paul and Gena Suarez and my own Homeschooling the Challenging Child. They have launched a message board just for homeschoolers, and I get to moderate it!
Come join the conversation! I'll see you there!
A Day in the Life in Australia!
By Sonia
Well, here I am in sunny Queensland, Australia! "Just another day in Paradise," as they say. I'm lying in bed with my husband beside me. We have just woken from a full night's sleep with my six children quietly buzzing around me. One is getting on the breakfast; one is reading in her room; another is on his computer, and the little ones are still soundly asleep in bed.
Yeah, RIGHT! That is someone else's reality--not mine! My 4-year-old just woke me screaming in my ear because his brother bit him so hard it drew blood. My 6-year-old son is smacking his head on the tile floor because someone changed the channel from Lilo & Stitch, which he watches obsessively. My 20-year-old is fighting with my 9-year-old over who will butter the toast. And my 10-year-old is trying to show, for the fiftieth time this week, his tattered fishing magazine that he carries everywhere with him.
I have not slept a full night in 20 years! My sons wander the house in the middle of the night, waking us up about 4 to 6 times every night because their internal body clocks don't always know when to do the right thing. All four boys obsess over things like what's on TV, what color cup they will drink from, whether they have the right pajamas on, or whether their toast is completely covered in butter. (If it's not buttered to the edge, that is enough to send them into a tantrum.) While they watch TV, they rock back and forth; they cannot sit still. Deon, who is 20, washes his hands obsessively. Micah has repeated over and over to me this morning, "Fishing-fishing-fishing-fishing!" But not just this once. This is about the fifteenth time, and while he is telling me he is flapping his hands because he is excited about his upcoming fishing trip with his Daddy. Isaiah is biting his own arm because his breakfast is not ready. Elijah wants hot chocolate. It's not ready, so he is screaming at me and hitting his own face. Typical morning!
Minor things can set them off into a Major Tantrum. Shopping can be a nightmare. The bright lights can today be OK, but tomorrow will cause one or three to go into a screaming frenzy. One of my daughters, who is also a carrier and mildly affected by FX, is so shy she has uttered maybe three sentences to her aunty in six years. Social events cause her much anxiety.
All four of our sons are now on medication for major aggression. My now 20-year-old threatened to kill me when he was 15 and ripped his sister's hair from her head when she was only 18 months old.
Elijah didn't walk until he was 2. Doctors told us he might not ever walk. Once we saw 33 doctors over a period of five weeks! Hearing tests, MRIs for possible brain tumors--you name it. They were tested for everything.
Deon was 50% deaf in both ears. When he was nine weeks old, he stopped breathing for the first time and was placed on a breathing monitor until he was one. When he was eight, he had a 75-minute seizure which, miraculously, didn't kill him. Doctors thought he might have a brain tumor. He didn't.
When I found out about the boys, I was OK. I knew they had something. But my daughter was different. I just thought she was shy and quiet, so I didn't suspect anything. When they told me, I ran from the doctor's office crying. I couldn't bear it. In one swoop I felt like generations were ripped from me. I may never be a grandmother, but if I am someday, what would this mean for my daughter (as FX mutates as it is passed along)? How would she cope?
So what's going on?
This is all happening because of a genetic condition called Fragile X syndrome, which brings with it other issues like autism, hypotonia, ADHD, laryngomalacia, epilepsy, speech/language delays, and anxiety.
So that's some of the dark side of Fragile X syndrome. Now let me tell you what Jesus has done for us and how He has healed me and opened my eyes and touched me through the lives of these children.
At 19, I was broken and lost, and Jesus came into my life and made me truly born again. He has shown me through these children that life is precious and that He values all life, that all life has a purpose and a destiny. If it takes these six children to humble me and help me see people through different eyes, then all I can say is, "Thank you, Lord!"
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The Lord healed Deon's hearing loss COMPLETELY. Elijah not only walks, he RUNS. Daily He loads us with benefits and blessings (Ps. 69:19). I pray to Him, and He hears my prayers. I ask Him, "Lord, give these boys speech," and one by one He adds words to their vocabulary. He has shown me how to slow down, take it easy, enjoy life, and accept people with all their quirks and love them just as He has made them.
I think the way we have handled this whole FX thing is to slow things down and tailor our life to suit the needs of the children. My husband quit his job, and we applied for a government pension so we could both stay home and rear the children. I know this is not an option for most, but God made a way for us. The other key thing has been for me to let go and realize that God sees the bigger picture. He knows the beginning from the end. (I have been anxious over the years about what would happen if my husband and I passed away.) I have to trust that God knows more than I do. I have to acknowledge that I do not have all the answers and that I cannot always get it right. I have to spend daily moments in the Word of God (and I say moments because some days, that's all there is), but if I get four moments and I learn one thing, I write it on my blackboard and memorize it until it sinks deep in my spirit. I take my children in my hands (physically) and bless them. I speak the blessing of God over them. I speak health, healing, love, and acceptance over them.
One other key thing for us is homeschooling. It has been a lifesaver for us. Once upon a time, we used to take our son to a special education unit while another went to speech therapy and another went to OT. We had to be in three places at once! Trying to do this three times a week, we were getting burned out. I cried out to the Lord in one of my many moments of desperation, and it seemed as clear as the skies. I felt Him speak into my heart, "If I gave you these children, then I equip you to care for them." It hit me like a bolt of lightning. That day we called up and never took our children to speech therapy, OT, or special education again. So what was I to do? The Lord said, "Take Elijah to the beach and play with him in the sand dunes." I thought, "HUH?" Then I realized his little legs would strengthen up as we played and laughed. "Read My Word to them," I heard. "HUH?" I'd respond. (Yeah, I'm a little slow myself!) "Here they will learn how to speak and what to say. Through My word they will be healed." Remember, it's sharper than a two-edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12: For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.) The Lord showed me He had equipped us. I just had to seek Him and He would give us the answers. Basically, we had to stay plugged into the Lord.
So when it comes to homeschooling, we take a pretty laid-back, relaxed approach. Because our children have very specific needs, there is no one set curriculum that caters to our children. We are what I have termed "Bitza Homeschoolers," using little bits of everything. The children are visual learners, so we use the computer a lot. One curriculum I have found helpful is Five in a Row. Because of the repetitiveness, it suits the children's autistic nature better. Sometimes instead of five days in a row it might be five weeks in a row. We wait until the children have some understanding before we move on.
We fill our days with things like swimming, visiting the library, shopping, doing arts and crafts, reading, and using math in ordinary life situations (e.g., baking, cooking, setting the table, counting spoons and forks, counting shells on the beach as we collect them, etc.).
When one of the boys has a Major Meltdown, we take him to a quiet room, stroke his head, and talk softly until the anxiety leaves. A CD softly playing is helpful. Firm pressure also helps, such as weighted blankets over their legs to get them to rest.
When I pray and ask the Lord, "What should I be teaching these children?" the Lord always brings me back to the same thing--The Basics. Love your neighbor as yourself. So that's what we do. We go helping those less fortunate than ourselves, reaching the lost, praying for the sick, bringing Jesus to a sick and dying world, being Jesus to all who come across our path.
Blessings, from Sonia at the joyfulhomemaker.blogspot.com.
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"I came across your free newsletter by accident. I am the grandmother and guardian of a 14-year-old grandson with ADHD. I have already raised two boys, but neither of them had ADHD. (He is the first son of my oldest.) He was in a private Christian school for seven years, but he began to fall behind and get more frustrated.
In January 2006, we transferred him to public school, thinking that he would get the extra help that he needed. Much to our surprise, he did not get the help but was belittled by the students and TEACHERS! He got to the point that every Sunday night, he would start throwing up. He became so depressed that I worried constantly. I am not a teacher, but I prayed that God would give me the answer. One night, I found Alpha Omega's Switched on Schoolhouse description online. It was an answer to my prayer.
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We are looking for real parents to share their stories of real life with their special learners. If you would be interested in writing a short piece for us, contact me at christinefield@sbcglobal.net.
Thank you to all those who have sent me their stories! Keep watching--they will all be published here in the future!
About Your Editor
Christine Field practiced law for eight years before becoming a full-time Mommy. She and her husband live and homeschool their four children in Wheaton, Illinois, where her husband, Mark, serves as Chief of Police. Three of their four children are adopted, one through a private adoption and two from Korea.
She is the author of several books, including Coming Home to Raise Your Children (Fleming Revell, 1995), Should You Adopt? (Fleming Revell, 1997) A Field Guide to Home Schooling (Fleming Revell, 1998), Life Skills for Kids (Harold Shaw/WaterBrook, 2000), Help for the Harried Homeschooler (Harold Shaw/WaterBrook, 2002) and Homeschooling the Challenging Child (Broadman & Holman, 2005). Her next book, written with her husband Mark, called Homeschooling 101, will be published by Broadman & Holman in Spring 2007.
She serves as a correspondent and Resource Room columnist for The Old Schoolhouse® Magazine. Her articles on life skills have appeared in Focus on the Family Magazine and Single Parent Family.
To contact her about your special learner, or to have her speak to your group or conference, you may email her at mailto:christinefield@sbcglobal.net or visit her website at www.HomeFieldAdvantage.org.
Her mailing address is:
The Home Field Advantage
PO Box 261
Wheaton, IL 60189-0261
Visit her blog at www.HomeschoolBlogger.com/christinefield.
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